Warp Factor Trek

Star Trek’s Pint-Sized, Profit-Loving Aliens Define Asinine

RED ALERT – RED ALERT: SENSORS DETECT MAJOR ASSHOLES IN MINOR-SIZED BODIES!

No mincing words. Let’s all face facts and simply come out and say what we’ve all been thinking when it comes to those latinum-loving lads: Ferengi are little assholes.

There, it’s now finally out. Whew. Yeah, I actually said it and I definitely don’t regret it. And I gotta admit, I feel Class-M-Worlds better! Expressing things is like housekeeping; it’s mentally and even spiritually cleansing.

Of course, this isn’t going to shock anyone, really. It’s not like it’s an intellectual leap or a well-kept secret. No need to stealthily consult Section 31. Like saying Vulcans lust longingly for logic or that Klingons are surly, sensitive and easily provoked pricks, it’s pretty simple math. You know, there are things in the Star Trek universe which we all know, all too well: Scottish Starship engineers rock; Betazoids can be arrogant; Borg drones are boring at parties, etc, etc…

Our Galaxy is Chock Full of Smelly Arses

Now, if you look hard enough, assholes abound everywhere in space exploration. They fart up our otherwise well-ventilated spaceways. Forget those bus lanes and truck lanes to sort out road traffic – we need to establish asshole lanes. Truthfully, there are so many asses to choose from. It’s a literal asshole buffet from which to dine.

Cardassians Cometh. Some of us would look at Cardassians and say they’re by far the supreme assholes of our glorious galaxy, for many reasons. They’re superior minded. These jerks aren’t known for their friendly nature. Oh, and also, they subjugated the Bajoran race and occupied their homeworld of Bajor for more than a season. You know, not very nice folk by any standard. Prime time assholes to be sure.

Enter the Romulans. Ruthless Vulcan cousins devoid of honor, yet brimming with raging emotions that Surak’s race control so tightly as to be all but extinguished. Assholes? Sure, why the hell not. They probably wouldn’t even argue with you about the categorization if you confronted them on their well-proven assholery.

The Ferengi Brand of Assholery

So, although Ferengi face formidable competition, they remain Trek’s very special assholes. There’s so much to choose from in the asshole department – where do we begin?

Ferengi keep half of their race – the female half – naked at home. Yeah, progress has finally been made in that area of their social system – yadda yadda. However, that doesn’t erase centuries of such super-sexist behavior.

Also, so much of Ferengi culture is based on greed. Their Rules of Acquisition posit such demeaning business tactics as, “Sucking up to the boss,” “Never place friendship above profit,” or “Keep your lies consistent.“

Care to get surface and cosmetic? Just look closely at those heads – the top even looks like a little asshole. But let’s dive into the weird pool of wardrobe wackiness; let’s get into Ferengi fashion sense – or extreme lack thereof. Do Ferengi really think those crazily colored jackets and ugly pantaloons do them any good? They look like they’re dressed in throwaway sofa remnants from a circus ringmaster.

Are Ferengi Redeemable?

In the classic DS9 episode “Rules of Acquisition”, Dax tells Kira that, of all the races she’s ever hung out with, Ferengi always gave her the best time when it came to partying. Dax tells the incredulous Kira, “That’s because you don’t socialize with them the way I do. Looking back over seven lifetimes, I can’t think of a single race I’ve enjoyed more. I admit they place too much emphasis on profit and their behavior towards women is somewhat primitive.” Kira responds heatedly, “They’re greedy, misogynistic, untrustworthy little trolls, and I wouldn’t turn my back on them for a second!” To which Dax cooly replies, “Neither would I, but once you accept that, you’ll find they can be a lot of fun.”

Indeed, despite their asinine culture and ways of ludicrous living, Ferengi seem to always ingratiate themselves back into our forgiving hearts. But why do we forgive them for their shortcomings? Is it their short, little bodies contrasted with those enormous ears? Maybe their salesmanship, honed by thousands of years of cultural guidance, simply makes most of us buy what they’re selling. Maybe it’s because they dress like assholes. Or maybe, since Ferengi act like little assholes, it simply reminds us that we all have one, and we can all act like one on more than one occasion.

(First and second images: CBS-Paramount; Third image: Tiffanie Lovett)